Like most people on the planet, I have been to several weddings in my almost 35 years. Traditional weddings, unusual weddings, family weddings, friends’ weddings, afternoon weddings, morning weddings, evening weddings… all kinds of weddings! I have also helped to plan a few weddings- with varying degrees of involvement.
This weekend past, I attended my first very formal wedding* and I was suddenly faced with a dilemma as to what to wear.
Firstly, I do not own any formal dresses so I had to find something to fit me and flatter me.
And secondly, the wedding colour scheme was red and black, and it occurred to me… do you dress to suit the colour scheme, or do you dress outside of the colour scheme?
I decided for last Saturday’s formal wedding, that since I knew the bridesmaids were going to be in black and the bride in white, and a lot of the décor probably red… I didn’t want to wear black or red.
And we all know that white, on a female guest at a wedding, is a traditional no-no.
So I went with a cerise satin gown+, black clutch purse and shoes, and diamante jewellery. For one thing- I got many compliments, and for another I didn’t feel under or over dressed.
But that’s beside the point.
My research into this post, stemmed from this dilemma.
It got me thinking about wedding etiquette as it relates to the guest’s clothing. I mean, when a bride is planning her wedding day, she has a vision of what she wants and how she wants it to look. If she specifies on the invite that it is a casual wedding, then you should arrive in jeans, even if you don’t think its “right” or “fitting”. If the invite specifies formal, then you should dress accordingly- women in gowns and men in suits. And naturally this does not mean your definition of formal- like a pair of Levi’s worth 1500 bucks and a designer jacket- it means “traditional” formal. If the wedding has a red and black theme can you dress in red and/ or black or is that in bad taste?
A good rule of thumb is to judge it by the invitation. If you receive a gilt-edged invitation on really snazzy stationery, then a denim skirt and pretty sandals probably won’t be a good idea. If you receive a “message in a bottle” type of invite then sandals will be perfect!
There are also several “rules” when it comes to dressing in general- like “formal” does not mean “cocktail dress”… but these rules are so often bent to fit an individual’s tastes that few people adhere to them anymore. Even the old adage that your shoes must match either your hemline or your belt has gone out of the window. Big shiny rings and jewellery used to be only for a night on the own or a cocktail party. Not anymore.
Something else I came across was that it was frowned upon for a woman to wear black to a wedding, but it is now acceptable to wear a coloured scarf or wrap or use shoes to brighten it up. Did you know that? I didn’t… after all, black is slimming, dontchaknow!
Here are a few guidelines, and you won’t believe how many versions there are!
A “White Tie” or Ultra-formal invitation requires men wear full dress, with white tie, vest, shirt. Women wear long gowns.
A “Black Tie” invitation calls for formal attire. Men wear tuxedos, women wear cocktail, long dresses or dressy evening separates. “Formal” usually means the same as Black Tie.
“Creative Black Tie” leaves room for trendy interpretations of formal wear. He can go more modern with a tux — maybe a black shirt, no tie. She wears long or short dresses or evening separates.
“Semi-Formal” or “After Five” means that tuxes are not required, nor are long dresses. An evening wedding (after 6 PM) would still dictate dark suits for him, and a cocktail dress for her. Daytime semi-formal events mean a suit for him and an appropriate short dress or dressy suit for her.
“Business Formal” is the same as Semi-Formal for him, but for women it suggests that women opt for more tailored dressy suits and dresses (nothing too slinky or sexy).
“Cocktail Attire” means short, elegant dresses for her and dark suits for him.
“Informal is often interpreted as the same as Casual but it actually calls for the same dress as Semi-Formal — dark suits for him, short dresses for her — especially when associated with a wedding or special event.
“Festive Attire” is usually seen around the holidays, with the mood of the party being Informal or Semi-Formal. For her, it means to choose looks with a bit of sparkle or holiday bent (i.e. a beaded sweater with black pants, a red silk blouse with a black skirt).
“Dressy Casual” calls for dressed-up versions of casual looks. For him, it could be trousers and a sportcoat, for her a dressy pants look. Jeans, shorts, T-shirts and other casual looks are not appropriate for Dressy Casual.
“Casual” generally means anything goes.
Does that help? Its quite mind boggling isn’t it!
Let me just say this, there are no hard and fast rules when it comes to what the guests can wear when it comes to complimenting the colour scheme or going for the opposite like I did. But let me assure you of this- if the bride and groom have chosen a theme for their wedding- be it formal or casual, a particular colour, even a particular era like the twenties- it is only good manners, if you accept the invitation, to dress accordingly.
And if you’re really unsure, then simply ask the bride-to-be well in advance!
*this is a little unusual in South Africa
+which took me 12 dress shops to find
